Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

[pearlieq]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Wow, way to show support.

It's sometimes hard to stand up for yourself AND be generous and loving with your family. Jodi's just trying to find a balance. Give her a break.

I don't think the poster you quoted said anything inappropriate. I was thinking the same thing she was.

It's fine if you don't agree with what she said, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of us picking on each other just because not everyone has the same opinion.

To the OP, I think the direct approach is the simplest, sanest way to go. If they're not worried about "family peace" and are comfortable taking advantage of you, I don't see why you wouldn't be entitled to stick up for yourself in a reasonable, polite manner.

Why not just say something like "We enjoy spending time with your daughter, but we've been watching her quite often lately, and I'm started to feel taken advantage of because you guys don't seem willing to reciprocate. How can we work out a more fair arrangement?"

[scrava]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Really well said! My Mom used to drop me off all the time and I HATED it. She never recriprocated and people let me know it :-(
Do you best to not make nieve feel like a heel!

I think you need to drop the notion that they might reciprocate and watch your kids as well. Don't even bother with that as it will just cause you more tension and resentment when they say no or are unreliable. So, just go about your life and get babysitters, etc.
As for your brother and SIL, most people are oblivious to their own actions. So, I doubt they will see your point of view either. If you are pressed upon, then you need to just backing up from the situation and just say "no" that you can't watch little Susie today, etc. You don't have to give any reason or excuses other than you are not available. But, try to put the child in the middle. If all of the sudden you have no time for her, she may feel rejected as well. Life isn't fair, and sometimes people give more than they take and vice versa. So, try to enjoy the child as you start to set some limits on the parents' behavior.

[KellyJef]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Wow, way to show support.

It's sometimes hard to stand up for yourself AND be generous and loving with your family. Jodi's just trying to find a balance. Give her a break.

The OP didn't say she was asking for "support" -- she asked for input.

I stand by what I posted. She needs to take a stand and better her situation -- she deserves a much fairer arrangement.

[jodi]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

No, I plan to keep my niece completely out of it. She has done nothing wrong I adore her and like I said, I don't mind watching her (MOST of the time!). All I want is a little reciprocity and respect.
I don't mind the straightforward talk - but it's not as simple as standing up for myself. My SIL was raised...differently than we were in our family and, quite frankly, thinks of herself first. I'm afraid of tensions it may cause, even though I think I am right. Since we live next door to each other, it could make things awkward. I'll keep you all posted on any resolution and thanks for the wisdom

[jodi]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Well, I decided to broach the subject with my brother when he came to pick up my niece tonight. First I asked him when he needed a sitter for her - he said Mondays and Thursday nights, and only then when she couldn't go to work with him (which will be most nights, now that it is getting so cold out). I told him that I did not mind watching her, but we were never really asked (they just started dropping her off), and if I was going to watch her, I would like them to watch my boys either Sunday nights or Monday days (times when I have a sitter). His reponse? "Talk to my wife". I asked him to speak with her since he would see her tonight, but nope, he couldn't do that either. Hmph. I wonder if he will even pass the message along.

[geojen]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

No offense, but your brother is passing the buck. He doesn't want to deal with this uncomforatable situation, and he should. It is always the blood-relative's responsiblity to handle disputes between in laws. It is not right that he won't step and participate in what happens to his kids.

That being said, it doesn't matter if you are uncomfortable taking this up with your SIL. It's what you have to do. Tell her the same thing you told your brother.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Jodi, does your brother really even consider taking care of his child to be his responsibility? It seems like he might think it is his wife's plus yours. Maybe the three of you will have to get together. I really feel for you on this.

[jodi]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Ironically, he is usually much more willing to take my kids (the older one, at least) than she is. He also seems more appreciative of the time we spend watching her. But he just doesn't want to get into it with her.
I agree though, that it should be his place to broach the subject with her. I would expect my parents to come to me if they needed something addressed with my DH (and they have). It makes everything easier when it comes from the spouse than the in-laws.

[TBH]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Sorry, everybody.

I did feel like KellyJef's comment was a little too blunt, but I certainly did not mean to pick on her (pearlieq's phrase). I apologize for being rude to KellyJef.

I have a relative who is as self-centered as the OP's SIL, and her interpretation is that she's "standing up for herself" so I think KellytJef's comment touched a nerve.

I'll try to think before I post.

[jodi]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Gosh, I love this place. Comments are taken out of context (what sounds bad to one person is reasonable to another), and then everyone apologizes and gets on with the business of helping someone else.
My first thought was that the comment was a little blunt, but then stepping back, I can totally see how someone would have that view. Unfortunately, family politics are a little more complicated, so I have to weigh whether it's more to my benefit to speak up or keep the peace.
To update the situation, my mom told me that she wants to sit down with me and brother (and/or SIL?) to talk openly about the child care situation. We can both spell out our specific needs and try to engage brother/SIL in a conversation about how we can all share the childcare duties together. We might be able to work out something where mom watches the kids Tues morning, Thursdays, I watch them Tues afternoons, and SIL watches them Monday afternoons (if she agrees). Then I can send my kids to preschool class instead of full-day day care, save a little money, and really feel like we are all helping each other out. Now, to put the plan into action and see if it works...wish us luck.
My mom is a really, really smart lady

[geojen]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[Thrif-t]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

So now that I read thru all this I'm wondering how it went???

[jodi]

Re: Question: babysitting equity or family peace?

No resolution yet. My niece has been sick, and now my son is sick, so it became a low priority. Still hoping to have that talk...but ever since I said something to my brother, my niece hasn't been over as much (partially due to illness too) - exactly the effect I was hoping not to get.