How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

[rdeel2000]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

I thought you might like to hear from someone who has actually done what you are wanting to do. A few years back we decided to put every extra penny we could find into paying off our mortgage by a date we had set. As Christmas was approaching we started thinking about how much time, energy and money we spent shopping and shipping gifts to people who really didn't need anything (note there were no small children on our gift list). We also realized how much time we spent trying to figure out what to do with gifts we received that we had no use for. Don't get me wrong, we are not Scrooges but it had been bothering us for a long time that we were forced to go through the gift giving ritual just because that's what the advertisers tell us to do (good topic for another thread).

Anyway, this is how we handled it. Starting in early Fall, as we would talk to the different family members on our gift list, we would just casually mention to them that we were on a mission to become debt free and that we had decided not to exchange Christmas gifts until we reached our goal. We asked them to please not buy for us as it would make us feel bad. We got different reactions from different people but mostly we heard that they had wanted to do the same thing for years but didn't know how to go about it. Basically they were all relieved to be able to mark someone off of their gift list.

When December came around my husband and I bought one thing we wanted, something we could both enjoy and we gave each of our grown sons some cash and told them to buy something they had been wanting. You cannot believe the peace that came over our home not having to fight the crowds in the stores and stand in line at the post office. We were able to enjoy the plays and concerts and light displays without the stress that we had felt in previous years. We wondered why we hadn't done this years before.

We reached our goal and have been debt free for a couple of years now which is an indescribable feeling, better than any Christmas gift we could ever receive. The interesting thing is that not one person has suggested resuming the gift giving ritual with us which suits us fine. I should note that we are just as close to all of them as we ever were, no hurt feelings. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck.

[neatdesign]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

RDeel, thanks for sharing your experience. That is exactly what I had in mind, and knowing that others have done this successfully gives me more confidence.

Like I said in my other post, I think a lot of it comes down to who you're dealing with. Some people will be very understanding, others won't understand at all. But the bottom line is that you must do what's best for you and your family, even if it means depriving another person of short-term enjoyment over a material object.

I have emailed my mother about this and let her know that we're "opting out" of Christmas gifts this year. I think she'll be glad that we have our priorities in order; in fact, I think everyone in our family will feel that way.

~ Jenney

[neatdesign]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

If you're going to donate something to charity in someones name, why not just buy the gift for them? I don't see where this is going to save you money. Or is donating to charity really just a lie?

I'm assuming you're directing your questions at me. If so, let me clarify that I never said anything about donating to charity. LuxLiving included that bit in her post, and while I thought her suggestion of how to phrase things was excellent, I feel that the donation part of it is optional. Or, at least I am choosing to treat it as optional.

However, let's say I had decided to make a donation in lieu of gifts. Firstly, it's not a lie if you follow through on it. I guess there are people who would say they were making a donation and instead pocket the money for themselves. I'm not one of them.

Secondly, it would save money because the donation would be far less than the total amount spent on individual gifts. There are 10 adults in our immediate families, and individual gifts probably average about $30 each. But I would probably only donate $50 total to a charity that I felt all of us would support, such as the Humane Society. That's a savings of $250.

For me, this is all moot, though. I'm not planning on donating to charity. But that doesn't mean I think it's a bad idea. It just depends on the people you exchange gifts with. Some people are just more materialistic than others. If you exchange gifts with people like that, then donating to charity is probably not a good option for you.

~ Jenney

[Ima saver]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

I think that is great. We have cut our gift giving way down. We usually send a ham to my dh's family, this year it will be a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant. We give the grand children each a check so they can buy what they want.
Then my dh and I just give gifts to each other, small things!

I like the idea of giving people homemade cookies or fudge!! Yum!! (I think I do it so I can eat some)

[Mathew Green]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

I think we all operate in the world of "TMI - too much information"! Nobody really wants to hear about someone else's "debt accelerator plan" at Christmas. People explain too much! Just send everyone a nice Christmas card, period. Wish them well and skip the gift. If they send you a gift, just say "thank you" and leave it at that. The following year, they will be happy to be off the hook to send you a gift and the whole thing can just be dropped.

Obviously you don't have my relatives!

But it is a valid point. If someone is going to give debt reduction as the reason they're opting out of gift giving, it needs to sound like they're proud of their fiscal wisdom, not looking for sympathy. Best to not mention it at all if possible.

[Staceyy]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

My question was not directed at you, it was a general question to people who have used the "donating to charity" in lieu of a personal gift in the past. I always wondered about this and wanted some feedback. It is not meant to be a personal attack on anyone.

[Ima saver]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

There are so many people (organizations) that collect new toys at christmas time. That is what I usually give to charities! Christmas is for the children!

[LuxLiving]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

Okay I'll jump back in here...the OP's question was how to do this WITHOUT looking like a Scrooge, thus my reply to give to charity. No, it's not intended to be a lie. If you state that you're going to do that then follow through or don't make the statement.

Somebody here got my intent correct - if you ordinarily spend 1000.00 on Christmas gifts but instead give 100.00 to a charity in honor of the entire family, then you've saved yourself 900.00 that could be applied to the debt reduction AND left out the 'scrooge-ish' whispers that might fall behind your back if you've failed to contribute to the season somehow.

I'd vote to do an angel-tree gift to some child in need in my mother's honor rather than give my mother who needs N.O.T.H.I.N.G. another gift she doesn't really need or have room for! YMMV!

[Ima saver]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

That is a good idea,Lux!

[veronak]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

I hate the idea of gift giving at work, especially. One year I was barely making it, I had just gotten my first apartment and could barely buy food. Well I was talked into particapting into buying a gift, well needless to say the limit was $15 I spent $10 at Macy's on a Crystal Candy bowl (on sale) well I got a calendar. The next year I said I did not want to participate and two of the girls talk me into it then without my knowledge pulled out I was so upset. I hate these things because we have our own family to buy for, you have to (well expected) to give money for the boss then turn around and exchange gifts. I just basically say no, with no explaination no one but me know my situation and I do not owe any explainantion

[PrincessPerky]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

Lux, I wanted to ditto the beautiful wording (with or without the donation)

I have worked over the past two years to drastically reduce the amount of money we spend on holidays, not remove it or remove gifts, I like finding gifts for kids! And some adults, but I have tried to make more of the gifts from the heart, and less from the store, sometimes I fail, and I am sure others notice, but most often I get a huge thanks and I get less spent on us, which is a good thing, less stuff if always good! Small house here!

I had one problem with a gift exchange that I didn't feel needed to be happening, but I didn't want to be the one to stop completely, I gave a homemade gift, even though I knew the recipient would not like it (because it was homemade, not because it was a bad gift, if it had a 30$ price tag they would have liked it) I took a deep breath, did it anyway, and havn't recieved anything since..it worked, while I felt I did what I could, their reaction is NOT my problem. So when you have to deal with someone who isn't going to like your stand, remember it is YOUR stand, they don't have to like it, and so long as you are polite, you do not have to care what they think.

My worst problem, is NOT giving gifts to small kids, I love it, but I know I do not need to add recipients to my list, and giving them something ads my kids to the list, so for their sake I head to the angel trees....still fun to buy gifts, though you miss the opening part .

[Gruntina]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

For those that are near me, some adult family members and good friends, I just tell them that they are special to me that I rather spend time with them than buy them a gift. So I make an appointment with them to do something Christmassy together such as baking cookies or go to a free Christmas event in town like a Christmas Stroll and have some cocoa or coffee and things like that. I would make a nice card for them to keep for the season. I don’t have to go into the debts details but at the same time I stand on my belief and values that quality time spent with people are high on my priority list and more precious to me than material gifts. If they have a problem with that, I can see what their priorities are.

I also plan a small party with friends to watch Christmas movies and maybe have a fondue dinner along with it. New traditions form when I do this.

Again this is for people that are near me.

[b4freedom]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

I have a very large extended family, half of them are non-drinking Mormons. A few years ago, I purchased a large case of nice, but fairly inexpensive wine. Everyone got a bottle of wine. I told them that they could use it for cooking. They now tell me that they don't want to exchange gifts.

I haven't figured out what to give the other side of the family. They are all alcoholics. Last year they asked me to make X-Mas dinner. It was from boston market. They were greatly disappointed. I'm assuming they won't ask me again.

For my immediate family (5 brothers), I tell them what I'm spending on each of them. I ask them, do you want a well thought out gift or a gift certificate. Generally we give them gift certificates.

[neatdesign]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

B4freedom, are you making these gift choices to deliberately get out of gift-giving, or because you stink at picking out gifts!?!

~ Jenney

[b4freedom]

Re: How do we opt out of Christmas gifting w/o being scrooges?

B4freedom, are you making these gift choices to deliberately get out of gift-giving, or because you stink at picking out gifts!?!

~ Jenney

BOTH!

Let me tell you a little about each side of the family:

Side 1: Poor and socially clueless. A few years ago, they purchased 10 gifts for me from the dollar store. All of it was junk that I recognized from the dollar store. Why not just get me nothing? Or why not just get me something for $10. Seriously, nothing is better then a lot of crap from the dollar store. They also got my wife the same junk from the dollar store. The same exact stuff for $10! Why not just merge both $10 gift collections together and buy us a gift for $20? And, they shouldn’t expect me to give them a really nice gift every year. They seriously expect a nice gift, they even state it. So, we gave them wine one year and that seems to have fixed things. I think my one aunt secretly drank it despite her religious claims. Oh, and there is no thought going into their gifts. It’s sort of like a quantity over quality thing: “We gave you 10 gifts so lets see you do better… …no seriously, you should do better and give us more…”

Side 2: Let me give you an example of a typical Christmas visit. Their house is gross. Couch has mold growing on it. Shag carpet from the 60’s hasn’t been vacuumed in years and feels oily from the touch. I think it used to be orange. But, I’m not sure. They love their bird more then their son. Every year they bust out the bird for the traditional Christmas show. Same stupid tricks: bird sticks head in mouth, etc… A few years ago, they burned dinner and the whole house filled up with smoke. Nobody noticed the bird had died until it was time to open gifts. After 1½ hour of Bird CPR, first aid, and lots of crying. We resumed opening gifts. Suddenly, my wife and I remembered what we purchased for them. We purchased it months earlier. At the time, we thought it would be the best gift in the world. They loved monty python and they loved dumb bird ticks. We purchased them “Chocolate covered dead parrots”. It’s from a monty python skit/movie and is just fancy chocolate (no real dead birds). At first we tried to take the gift away before they could open it. But they go weirded out and insisted that they open it. So they did and we were told that our gift was “inappropriate”. How were we supposed to know months earlier that the bird would die that day and at that moment? There isn’t a single event with them that is any better.

Side 3 (there are actually 4 sides thanks to divorce): We actually like them. And, ironically, we don’t generally exchange gifts. If we do, it’s either something thoughtful that was purchased during the year or a bottle of wine or something. No expectations.

Side 4: Blah. Worse then side 1 and yet better then side 2. Live far away.