Family & Christmas - What do I do?

[mountainmist]

Re: Family & Christmas - What do I do?

I would say, "NO, absolutely not," just for the principle of the thing. Years ago, a friend told me that whenever anybody makes you feel GUILTY about anything, whatsoever, to simply stop everything and NOT let that person manipulate you into doing something that you don't want to do.

I've found that to be good advice, that when someone makes you feel GUILT, that that person is someone who is utterly emotionally TOXIC and is trying to manipulate you.

I avoid such people like the plague.

[JanH]

Re: Family & Christmas - What do I do?

We live 800 miles away from our families. We don't do holidays very often. The kids only get so many days off and we like to have our own family times with them. The holidays are expensive and hard on a lot of people anyway, so why add travel expenses to it. Then a lot of people pay taxes and tuition payments right after the first of the year, so it is an additional hardship. I think people who don't have kids get pushed harder to do it cos it is supposedly easier on them. We spend a lot of phone calls and updates on the computer with all family members during the holidays. We send thoughtful presents and call each other after the gifts are all opened. We "gather together" in our own way. Then if we are getting together, we do it in the summer when we are more relaxed and can save up for it. We see what people have done with the gifts we have sent and laugh alot then. So much nicer. Our high school class reunion people can't understand that we don't come home for Thanksgiving--that's the date. We told them that we travel to where our college kids are and spend the holiday with them. We may not have many more times when we all can get together. One day our kids will be scattered and we will be realistic and know they can't all show up for the holidays. My family is still close and loves each other to death. but we don't do holidays.

[getforfree]

Re: Family & Christmas - What do I do?

My family wants me to visit them overseas too. I don't want to. It would cost me too much.

If we would go there with kids, it will cost us just about 3K for the tickets. Plus we won't be working for a couple of weeks while we there. So we loose our income for that time. And while we will be there we would still have to pay our house payment and other fixed bills. So it would cost us like 10K if you count the lost income.

I can shell out about 10K on that, but I DON"T WANT TO. And they are making me feel guilty about all that. They know I have the money and don't want to spend it. I spend about $20 every month on long distance bill to call them. Plus Dh calls his family too. So whenever they are pressuring me, I just stop calling them for a month or so untill they would call me.

[TinyFish]

Re: Family & Christmas - What do I do?

Well Boe, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Try just smiling (works over the phone too) and say how you are sorry to miss out on all the fun, but you just don't have the money in the budget this year. Don't bring up the other stuff, there is no way to make that sound nice. If you really feel you would like to see them, though I can't see why if they bore you, maybe you can save up to visit them (and stay at a hotel so as not to 'burden them') next year. In fact, that would make a great follow up sentence:

"I'm really sorry to miss out on seeing you all and being with you at Christmas, but I'm afraid I just can't afford it this year, you know how it is. I'll save up my pennies though and we can all be together next year (or next Summer, or whatever), unless you would rather come here? We'd love to have you visit too!"

If she persists, just keep repeating "Sorry, I cannot afford it." There should be no shame in not spending money you don't have. She will probably respect you more for coming out and saying it than waffling, pretending you MIGHT come.

-TinyFish (Who can't teach her DH to make clear statements like this, so he strings his family along thinking we are going to move to the East Coast to be with them...)

[Homebody]

Re: Family & Christmas - What do I do?

Wow I guess I'd better hurry up and book my flight. YD is moving to North Carolina. Her apartment is available December 1st so we will be helping her and flying out with her.

I am sad she will not come back home to California for Christmas. My OD is going to NC to see her and MD usually is snowed in (lives in Reno) and didn't come home last year so it could be just me and DH for the first time.

I wouldn't go either at Christmas, maybe plan at a different time for a visit. As my kids grow up and get married, I hope I am understanding of their desires and not lay guilt on them. I hope I can realize that we can spend other times of the year together, it does not have to be the holidays.

[boefixepa]

Re: Family & Christmas - What do I do?

Well, just an update. I am NOT going and neither are my parents. PPHHEEWW As it turned out my parents really could not afford either so it was an easy out for me. I am sure my sister is not all the happier about it, but she will live I am sure. I like the comment someone said about guilt! I am going to seriously use that as a deciding factor from here on out as one of the deciding factors about doing something! Thanks for the support guys!