Wedding Shakedown

[Fern]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

I think weddings in this country are mostly assinine. People spend more time planning for their wedding than they do planning for marriage. Not to mention the wastefulness that takes place spending thousands of dollars. To me, it is just another example of screwed up values. Does anyone remember the important thing about marriage anymore? Or is it just to fulfill little girls' dreams by having Daddy put out so much money and spending days getting alterations, picking a cake, caterer, location, planning a honeymoon, etc. Everyone says, "But it is the most important day of my life." Yes, to that point it may very well be, but why is the response to the fact to practically ignore the importance of what you are doing and just celebrate by abandoning common (?) sense? Maybe if people gave more emphasis to their mate and marriage instead of their parties and wedding, there would be less problems, including divorce, later.

I couldn't agree more, and i've never understood why women make such a big deal out of them. What a waste! It's so consumer-driven. It's not that I'm not romantic, but i have never lusted after the extravagant, "the invitations must be perfect" type of affair, the details of which are probably forgotten by most of your guests a year later. Weddings i've attended all seem so cookie-cutter, not personalized wiht any real meaning, but the standard stuff.

If i marry someday, and i hope i will, i would look forward to an intimate gathering of immediate family and very close friends. Now, "Intimate" means 100 guests to some people; to me it would mean about 20.

[rickatheslicka]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

I inadverdently committed a huge faux paus...

I was a bridesmaid for a friend who had a VERY formal wedding. Some time before the wedding, I got an invitation for a "Bridal Luncheon." I don't know much about wedding etiquette, and I didn't know any of the other bridesmaids to ask them what it means, so I googled "bridal luncheon" and learned that it is a party that the bride holds to honor the bridesmaids and attendants. I'm thought "Wow, I guess that's something that goes along with formal weddings, that is so thoughtful!"

So I showed up without a gift, thinking this is going to be a party to honor us. Instead, my friend sat in a chair with us gathered around her and one by one all of the other people there gave her their presents.

Of course, I had no gift, and since it was a small party, it was clear to everyone that I did not bring a gift. I pulled my friend aside and explained that I was planning on throwing her a shower with our local friends. I did NOT explain that the confusion was due to her use of the phrase "Bridal Luncheon" and that nowhere on the invitation did it say "Shower." She was very nice about it and explained the situation to everyone there, which was embarassing but I guess it was better than them wondering how cheap I was. They probably wondered that anyway.

So I agree with those who say it is far tackier to show up to a shower without a gift. Had I known it was a "Shower" and not a true "Luncheon," I would have either not gone or gotten her something small.

In the end, I was not able to host a second shower for her because none of our local friends could find the time. So I put a lot of thought and time into the wedding gift that I ultimately purchased and worked on, adding a lot of personal touches. She was genuinely very happy with it, and I think (hope) that the whole shower thing was forgotten.

I personally think it is really lame to ask your closest friends and family to buy you two presents (one for the shower and one for the wedding), so I have no intention of doing so for my wedding. We are doing a destination wedding, and it will truly be a gift to me to have as many people as possible attend, and if buying a wedding gift is going to make it that much more difficult to afford actually attending the wedding, then I would rather have no gifts.

One other quick note: These days, I think most brides prefer to have wedding gifts mailed to a particular address, rather than physically brought to the wedding. It can be very cumbersome to deal with all those presents, and I have heard horror stories about the wedding gifts being stolen. And supposedly etiquette says that you can send a wedding gift up to a year after the wedding! Something to think about...

[scrava]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

oh, someone got me wrong above:

IMHO:
It is tacky to go to a wedding and not give a gift
TACKIER to go to shower and not give gift.
So, if I can only give 1 gift, go to wedding only.
(or make something *nice* for shower gift and go to shower, too)

[lrjohnson]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

I believe that there is no occasion that requires a gift. I think if anyone expects gifts from every attendee, then they are the tacky one, not the person not bringing a gift. There should be no "admission fee" to any event, wedding, birthday, anything.

I like to get a gift for these events. Sometimes it may be a smaller gift. If someone judges a $10 gift and thinks it should have been bigger, the problem is all theirs and I'm hoping I don't know a lot of people like that.

A person with a low income and/or someone who does not know the bride/groom very well should be able to write a card with warm wishes. I particularly dislike the gift madness that goes along with weddings.

[Ima saver]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

I agree with poundwise about what a big waste of money a wedding is. I went to my one and old big wedding in Michigan. It ran over $50,000 for the wedding. They divorced a few years later.
I got married at home, in a dress I owned. We had a little party afterward, food and drinks. Most guests brought covered dishes, we furnished the liquor. Total cost $200 or less! Still married after 30 years!

[geojen]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

Well, I guess I'm the only one who is going to say this:

I loved every minute of my big wedding. That being said, I was very consious of how much money I was spending. I had a beautiful wedding, but only spent 100 bucks on centerpieces I made myself for 25 tables! Also, I made sure that the bridesmaid's dresses were not that expensive, and could be used again for another event. I did not expect gifts from my two showers (that other people threw me) or from the wedding, but was truly grateful for everything that I got. I did not even notice if something did not cost a lot of money. In fact, the most memberable gift we recieved were a pair of walking sticks that my husband's uncle made himself. So, don't feel like you need to buy something. Make something special that the bride will remember if you can. And don't resent her for enjoying this time in her life.

[mariec99]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

Read any etiquette book and you will learn that gifts are never an obligation!! The only thing a guest to any event (except a shower - since gifts are the point of that event) is expected to give is their CONGRATULATIONS. Not bringing a gift is not tacky. EXPECTING a gift is incredibly tacky.

And even for a shower, I am all for writing poems, sharing family recipes, reframing old photos, or giving coupons like; "This coupon is good for 1 day of dog sitting" or "This coupon is good for one homemade meal at my home!" Those are very thoughtful gifts.

Brides (and Grooms) shouldn't be trying to make a profit on their wedding. I have heard of brides estimating that each guest will have to give $250 gift so she can break even. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

[PrincessPerky]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

I could have done without my shower and without my wedding gift list, oh there were things I loved, and I much appriciated all the thought and love that went into it, but I could do without the 'stuff' much of which I will never use..and may already have gotten rid of (I was married in PA, live in NC, some stuff never made it here)

IF you have been invited to both I would go with a gift you are proud to call yours at the shower (those are always public "this is the gift from so and so!" and whatever cash is leftover for the card at the wedding, no one but maybe the parents of the couple will see that.

[kealina]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

And even for a shower, I am all for writing poems, sharing family recipes, reframing old photos, or giving coupons like; "This coupon is good for 1 day of dog sitting" or "This coupon is good for one homemade meal at my home!" Those are very thoughtful gifts.

i agree that the best presents aren't always expensive... the two most memorable aren't related to the expense at all... the first one was from my sister, my MOH, who gave me a matching necklace to the one she wore the day of my wedding... now i have something beautiful to wear that not only reminds me of my wedding day but also of how much my sister loves me...

and the best gift of all was from our best man who gave us the gift of time... no card, no money but very precious time and effort... he made the time to help us with all sorts of assorted wedding stuff... we were on a budget so much of it was DIY and we had to drop things off/start setting up the night before... he was right there helping us for 2 hours, then going home studying for a test, taking the test the next morning, then getting ready and meeting us for formal pictures...
while we finished our formal pictures he went ahead to the reception location and helped make sure everything was good... he was the only person who offered his help and support and followed through... and without complaints... everybody else who didn't even do anything except show up for pictures was ...

Brides (and Grooms) shouldn't be trying to make a profit on their wedding. I have heard of brides estimating that each guest will have to give $250 gift so she can break even. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

the bride who needs $250 from each guests to break even is crazy to even think that way... IMO, people can choose to have a big wedding if they want to and enjoy it too, as long as they have the money for it... they shouldn't EXPECT anybody else to pay for it... it's all about priorities after all...
we chose to have a smaller wedding that DH and I could afford ourselves so that we could make our own decisions, keep it individual and personalized to ourselves, and keep the stress level down...

and the people who expect to profit from their weddings that is what gives all brides a bad name...it is very tacky... they should and be thankful for anything people are thoughtful enough to give them. i remember being so surprised and appreciative for some of the gifts we recieved because we really weren't expecting much...

sorry so long but we just got married this past February so it is still very fresh in my mind...

[Well Spent]

Re: Wedding Shakedown

Apparently guys are feeling the same way about the Wedding Industry.


Pass the Aspirin, Wedding Bells Are Ringing and Ringing and Ringing

New York Times
By NICHOLAS KULISH
Published: August 20, 2006
It’s exactly this time of year, as August grinds along, that you see young men and women suffering from a powerful seasonal affliction. They drag through their days looking drained, sluggish. It’s not the heat. It’s not even the humidity. It’s the weddings.

Summer is supposed to be a season of peace, of relaxation — time to hang the Gone Fishin’ shingle and take a break. Instead it has become a gantlet of festivities. Five weddings in a single season have left me a nearly broken man, and I have several friends and acquaintances who have gone to even more. I have wedding fatigue and I am not alone.

It is a testament to the charm and talent of Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson that they managed to score a hit last summer with “Wedding Crashers,” a movie with the preposterous premise that two young men were actually trying to find more weddings to attend. Then again, there seemed to be two crucial advantages to their crashing strategy. First, they stayed close to home. Second, they attended only the wedding itself.

Nowadays wedding is an umbrella term. I could spend a few Saturdays listening to the exchange of “I dos” followed by a comparative analysis of the salmon and the filet mignon without significant strain. But participation in any given wedding is likely to require attendance at an engagement party, a wedding shower and a bachelor or bachelorette party, depending on gender. Some if not all of these events will require travel and accommodations. One can easily get stuck paying for multiple gifts, multiple trips and, I have heard reported, multiple lap dances.

It adds up, and not just financially. So, too, do the hours of travel, the displacement of jet lag, the weight of the suitcase and the numbing effect of airport security lines. The wedding proper can sprawl to a three-day event, from a group baseball game to the rehearsal dinner to a post-wedding brunch. By the end, the scent of fresh flowers is enough to bring on a headache. I find myself abnormally eager for the chill of matrimony-challenged autumn and the grind of a normal work schedule.

It is a rite of passage in your late 20’s and early 30’s to attend a lot of weddings, but there seems to have been a substantial increase in their size of late. These larger affairs mean more invitations for all of us. At a lovely wedding I attended recently with nearly 400 other guests, a friend asked aloud what exactly one would have to do in order to be left off the invitation list. A survey this year found that the average wedding costs $27,852, compared with $15,208 in 1990. That is just the average, to say nothing of the mind-bogglingly lavish affairs of the well-to-do. These are now professionally stage-managed events, carried off with the precision of state dinners.

The more taxing, elaborate and expensive the event becomes for the bride and groom, the easier it is for them to lose perspective and begin asking more of their guests. The share of so-called destination weddings, where guests are dragged to Hawaii or Tuscany, has increased 400 percent over the last 10 years.

When my parents were married, my mother and grandmother catered the event themselves, with two friends helping out. There were a mere 80 guests in attendance, less than half the current average. My mother even made her own gown for this Potemkin wedding. Yet our family’s shame is effectively obscured by the photographs of seemingly happy people in dresses and tuxedos, either excellent actors or blissfully ignorant of the fact that they had participated in such a low-rent affair.

Despite what you might think, I am not the Grinch who stole nuptials. I dance, drink and am sincerely one with the collective merriment at every wedding I attend. I am not here to dispute the beauty or significance of the milestone, nor will you hear any references to the much-discussed Bridezilla subspecies from me. I leave that to my female friends with the unlucky chore of acting as bridesmaids, who will safely and colorfully vouch for the fact that I don’t know the half of it.

Wedding fatigue, while at times a difficult malady, is hardly the tragedy of our age. It is very unlikely that help is on the way, though perhaps something similar to the Health Savings Account could alleviate some of the strain. It is the curse of wedding fatigue that it strikes those least able to afford it: young adults no longer receiving parental subsidies but still well below their earning potential. Victims tend not to have accrued very many vacation days and are — before the invitations begin clogging the mailbox — hoping to establish a first foothold in the real estate market.

Should you see one of these hollow-eyed soldiers trooping into work a few minutes late on a Monday, rolling suitcase dragging after, take pity and buy him or her a cup of coffee. If you happen to be a little older, beyond the reach of constant attendance at weddings but not yet under pressure to sponsor them for your offspring, make it lunch. If karma really exists, maybe your daughters will elope.