what would you do?

[Smallsteps]

It is quite a long story but in a nutshell a family member really wrecked their own life by bad choices/ drugs/ alcohol. Never once admitted her crisis is of her own making.

Now they are at an age where they are simply too old to start over and has many health issues. This person was always bailed out ( enabled ) by a family member that has now passed away they are still looking for help from a 91 year old family friend. This person will help because he is afraid the person will go hungry.
He mentioned this to me i feel as a way to round about ask me to help.

i cut off contact with the family member over a DECADE ago... I do not want to wade into the pool of dysfunction that is that situation. I am thinking of mailing a small grocery gift card anonymously.
I have no idea what type of food this person would (she always complains) eat/ enjoy so i could leave a bag on the doorstep because even after all this time i would hate to think they turned even a $25 grocery card into drugs.
do i help ? what is the best way to help a person whom you simply can not trust? i just would like this person to leave our frail family friend alone.

[disneysteve]

I would have absolutely nothing to do with this situation, not even a gift card because as you said, they can easily turn that into drug money.

This person has been out of your life for over 10 years. I see no reason to invite them back in now. It is a shame that they are exploiting your elderly friend but you probably can't fix that unless you can convince that person not to help.

[bjl584]

It's tough when it's family.
But, if you are removed from the situation currently, and it sounds like you are, then I'd keep it that way.
Getting involved will only cause problems.

[Petunia 100]

You cannot help a person who will not help him/herself.

You made a good decision 10 years ago. Don't change your decision unless/until your family member decides they are responsible for their own choices and begins to behave differently.

[kork13]

Absolutely would not give the person a dime in any way, shape, or form. Does she want to change the habits and conditions of her life? Until she does, any help she is provided will only contribute to her dysfunction & dependence. It's coldhearted, but you can't save everyone. No one will change until they really want to. You might try to convince your 91-y/o friend not to give her any of his social security check either, because the more help he provides her, the more dependent (and eventually, demanding) she will become toward him.

If at some point she actually wants to improve her life & is ready to take the steps to do so, I might consider helping her (from afar) to get into a treatment program, and re-evaluate things from there.

[james.hendrickson]

Well...what if you sent them food? Its usually hard to sell it, especially if its stuff like bread or cheese or whatnot.

[Smallsteps]

Well...what if you sent them food? Its usually hard to sell it, especially if its stuff like bread or cheese or whatnot.

I thought of leaving a bag with staples in it on the doorstep. They live across my state so i would need to do it on one f my trips over there. It would be hard to do without getting caught i might hire someone to deliver. I must remain anonymous.
This persons health is very poor and i am not close enough to see if she is still using anything etc.
i have been told by some people she is not using anymore ... but she messed herself up so much she is beyond repair. She has no one to turn to and simply put became disabled by falling down when high or drunk.

Last time i saw her 2 years ago at the funeral for her enabler, she looked like a corpse. i really only wanted my friend not give her anything but he is sure they are barely eating. He is very worried and if i give it would be more of a gesture for him then really her.

i only thought of sending a gift card as i watched a person who was struggling get a card with one and a note and she felt so blessed ( she assumed it was me but it wasn't) i just knew how relieved and thankful that person was.

[disneysteve]

If you want to do something, why not give to the elderly friend who is helping her. That way you’d be helping but indirectly.

[Smallsteps]

If you want to do something, why not give to the elderly friend who is helping her. That way you’d be helping but indirectly.

Since the gesture is merely for him to be less stressed, he is recovering from a stroke,i think he would be relieved to think she could possibly have another person that could help her.
HE will not need to know it is me just that he is NOT responsible for her.
If i give him anything and he passes it along i am afraid he will not keep the secret he is not good with secrets. I do NOT want anyone to know it was me. like i said i broke any contact and do not want to ever reconnect.

[disneysteve]

That makes sense.