Asking parents for stuff?

**happygirl** · 07-29-2009, 06:10 PM

Oh what an uncomfortable situation. I'd start with the smaller things like great grandma's plate and just take them as you are getting ready to head out the door. If they ask what you are doing just remind them that these are your things, given to you long ago and you'd like to have them in your house.

If they really pitch a fit, I'd consider letting them keep them. You can always admire the things in their home for now. I think life is too short and you should really pick your battles, but that is just my opinion.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

**Caoineag** · 07-30-2009, 06:12 AM

Yuck. I wish I knew what to tell you. I have a collection of Michael Whelan's Dragons that I somehow need to transport cross country to my house from my fathers. He wants me to pay a shipping and packaging company but I have to find one that handles delicate stuff very carefully. But I don't actually have to fight him on that.

**GREENBACK** · 07-30-2009, 06:36 AM

LAL,

I wouldn't dwell on this stuff. If they aren't willing to give it at this point, maybe they will in the future when they see their grandchild. I once had a similar situation to yours in terms of wanting stuff like that. Life is short and precious and no one should worry about "stuff". Eventually all our stuff will go to someone else anyway.

Right now you can purchase and/or obtain things that your future child will be able to pass along. I really never get into disagreements with family or friends about material things. If they want to keep it, then so be it. No sense in making a feud out of it.

My parents are elderly and would likely give me anything that I asked from them but I have never asked for anything from them, whether I felt it was mine or not. They have given me things and I have graciously accepted them but in no way would I expect any of it.

**creditcardfree** · 07-30-2009, 06:51 AM

Maybe once the baby comes, they will see it different.

The clothes seem the easiest to get....'borrow' them for pictures with your child and simply don't return. See what happens.

I do agree with Greenback, it's just stuff. It is not worth getting into a fight over.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 07-30-2009, 06:55 AM

All of these things were gifts. The platter was given to me in college by my great-grandmother in my HAND.

This is not a gift to a child. She said here it is for you. My mom took it away and kept it. It was not given to her. I think it's a very different situation than having something given in childhood.

Of which the dolls? One of them was given to me from my biological father's mother. Never intended to be decorating my mom's house, certainly not after I'm grown. I have a Christmas card relationship with her, though not my biological father.

So the doll should not be in my mom's house. She is remarried you know?

I am getting a bit irrational so I'm not demanding, realizing I am irrational right now.

But I'd really like some of those things, that I feel belong to me. I'm not sure how others with kids would handle it.

I would think you would give your kids their stuff. I am willing to pay to ship it fragile. My DH is willing to spend the money to pack it carefully because I want these items.

Whenever i've mentioned it, my mom says when you are "grown" up. I'm 30 and I think I'm adult enough to have my things.

But maybe I'm wrong. None of these items are really mine. They are my mom and dads to do with as they see fit.

But I am also the aunt where I give money for college, I write college on the check. I would be somewhat miffed if my gift were cashed and used for something else.

**simpleyme** · 07-30-2009, 07:18 AM

I think you are right wanting your stuff,

I have been pondering when to give my son his "stuff' he is 23 and very responsible but at this point i am not willing to give up his first baby outfit or his babybook

I cannot think of anythings I have that are specificaly his ,I think keepsake things are more likley given to a girl

my daughter who is 14 has a doll i put away when her grandmother brought it back from germany i told her i would give it to her one day and i will ,but I am not a pack rat
I know that is not helpful

I would keep asking for the things that pertain to the baby such as the baby clothes as there would be no better time for you to have them

could you tell them the only gift you want them to give the baby is your items as you would like to put them away for the baby? beg,plead,cry?

I was able to get my grandma to give me a cookoo clock that my mom and dad had given to her before I was born just by asking nicley and telling her why I wanted it
good luck to you ;-)

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 07-30-2009, 07:19 AM

It sounds as if you are just going to need to be matter of fact and firm when you say your will be taking the things. I think it would be better if you could be there in person to retrieve them rather than expecting your mother to pack and ship them, especially if there is some part of her that thinks they rightfully belong to her. (And it certainly sounds to me that they belong to you.)

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 07-30-2009, 08:05 AM

The platter is not expensive but it is a keepsake.

The dolls are not super expensive I think, but I can't describe them too well except Hinamatsuri - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I'm debating going home and packing everything up myself.

Simplyme, I don't want my first outfit and I don't have a baby book. It's a very particular outfit.

Plus I'm 30, own my own home, and pretty darn responsible.

**creditcardfree** · 07-30-2009, 08:18 AM

As a parent, I definitely would give my children anything that was given as a gift. I would never withhold anything from them.

Have you confronted your mom, about the "when your grown" line? When exactly is that, in her mind?

Do you know for a fact that she still has these items in her home? I have no problem getting your stuff, but think you do need to be careful not to ruin a relationship. Is there one?

Picking them up from her house sounds like a good plan. Your mom doesn't currently sound like a willing party to packing those things up for you.

**disneysteve** · 07-30-2009, 08:41 AM

I think the next time you are there, you need to just matter of factly state that you're taking some of your things to have in your own home and go ahead and take them. What are they going to do? Wrestle you for them?

From this thread and the real estate thread, it seems pretty clear that your parents have some issues that they haven't dealt with. I think you just need to make it clear that you aren't putting up with the crap and you are living your life.

**LivingAlmostLarge** · 07-30-2009, 09:57 AM

Not sure, and never have I asked when that is. I asked recently for money my family gave me that my mom made me save in a cat bag. She said one day I can have the bag with the money.

I plan on taking it when I am home next.

Yes the items are in her house. The platter was less than 10 years ago and if she got rid of it (doubtful) i would be very angry. It was the serving dish at my great-grandmother's wedding supper, a gift from her family. It's a big deal to me.

Very good relationship with my mom, except when it comes to taking my stuff. I am not allowed to take anything from the house or throw anything away. Last time we had a huge fight when I was home and threw away a ton of my old school stuff. I went to the dump and DUMPED it.

We had a big fight and I told her stop. No more, it's my stuff and if I don't want it, it's none of her business to make me keep it. She got infuriated and tried to grab the garbage bag out of my hand keep me from going to the dump. I grabbed it back and threw it out. She got upset, but my dad told her, it is her stuff. Literally old papers from high school and college. Books, clothes, etc. I donated some and threw some away.

Since I was so intent on throwing stuff away I forgot to take what I wanted.

**creditcardfree** · 07-30-2009, 10:46 AM

My neighbor has a mother just like yours. The mother seems to save everything, and wants her daughter (my neighbor) to save all the gifts she has ever given her and her children. It seems like a boundary issue to me.

Stuff is not love. If it were my mom, I'd make sure she knew that I wasn't taking my stuff to hurt her and that I still love her and respect her. The fact is these are gifts you have been given and you are keeping them at your house now.

Good luck!!

**disneysteve** · 07-30-2009, 10:53 AM

How about going over some time when they're not home and collecting your belongings?

**PrincessPerky** · 07-30-2009, 11:55 AM

Your mom needs to grow up...

I think be firm, and not allowing time for her to argue plus keeping a low profile are your best bets.

But when all is said and done, it is just stuff, your mother is the one with the problem, not you, sure it would be nice for you to have your things, but pick your battles.

There are a few things I would like to have had from my childhood that my mother got rid of, and a few she prefers I keep, that I don't feel attached to. So stuff is a personal thing. But no amount of lost stuff, or found stuff is going to stop me from having a relationship with my mother (nor the minimal detail for visits, nor the myriad of other things she annoys me with)

Asking parents for stuff?