Asking parents for stuff?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Nope, I have to fly 7k miles to get home. Not going over one weekend. Hence I need her to be on the same page as me if I'm coming home to get stuff. I sort of want her to pack it up so I don't have to run around like a chicken without a head packing things up.

Trust me the last time, throwing out stuff, first ever, was the worst.

My mom is a packrat. You know those people on TV whose homes are full of stuff? That's my mom. I don't have a room at home, because it's so full of stuff that's not mine. I have to sift to find it, there is no walking space.

I sleep on the floor of the living room because the pull out couch is broken, but my parents paid money for it, so it's not thrown away. Nor can they buy a new one because of the lack of space.

I wonder if this is why my siblings never visit? My parents don't bother with getting new furniture. They don't throw anything out, and I always wondered why they tell my parents to visit instead of visiting?

I am dreading going home to sleep on the floor. My body will keel over. I might be forced to get a hotel, I should discuss this with my DH. Which trust me would hurt my mom's feelings.

[disneysteve]

LAL, the more you post, the clearer it becomes that there are some serious psychologic/psychiatric issues here. Yes, I have seen those shows about packrats. Those people are seriously disturbed, and I don't say that to be critical but rather to acknowledge that they have a real problem that requires professional treatment. It may well be why your siblings never visit. They may be embarrassed and disgusted with the condition of the home, and not willing to sleep on the floor. You shouldn't be willing to do so either, especially not while you are pregnant. Have you ever spoken to your sibs about this? Perhaps you can all gang up and initiate some type of intervention.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Nope only as I got older I realized that my mom and dad had a serious issue with stuff. Growing up I thought it normal that people have tons of stuff. Everyone has tons of stuff right? Who has time to clean with 2 jobs and kids?

Even my DH thought it was normal to have tons of stuff. It wasn't till I got a bit older that I realized, geez it's a lot of stuff. Plus it wasn't so bad when I lived at home.

I mean I had a room and the room wasn't filled with stuff. I noticed it right after I got married that stuff began overflowing rooms.

I thought my siblings never visited because traveling with kids sucked. So it was easier for 2 parents to visit than hauling 3 kids. Truth is, I have no idea where a family of 5 would sleep.

It's really not about the money. My parents used to entertain at home. They rarely do now. They used to have parties but not anymore. I think it's a stuff thing.

Funny how stuff starts to rule your life.

[scfr]

Do your parents still give you gifts for holidays & birthdays?
If so, you might try telling them that ALL want for your next gift is the old platter of grandma's. And then for the next occasion, tell them you want one of the dolls. Etc.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Actually my mom is an indian giver turns out. Sigh. Went home and she offered my DH two platters, then the next day had regrets and took them back. Literally didn't ask but said give it back.

I literally and figuratively give up with my parents.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

So sorry, LAL. Giving up might be the most sane thing you can do. There does come a point when you have to protect yourself from further negativity. It could eat you up. You'll probably always mourn and/or feel angry about your Mom's state and how it affects everyone. Sad, but you might have to live with it forever.

Sad, too, that the effects of what seems to be an illness will carry its effects down to another generation in that it will affect where and how your baby can have a relationship with her Grandma. The losses are all around. I don't know that I've every given a cyber hug before, but this one is for you. (((LAL)))

I think you can let some time go by (for years even?), let this latest round with your Mom fade, then at least alert a state elder care agency of her condition once she reaches age to be served by them. Or alert the health department if her house really is a public threat. Or if her stuff truly threatens her own or her husband's very life....there is the possibility of commitment. I just don't know if medical science really even knows how to "fix" this problem. Maybe it knows how to take some of the edge off.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Actually did a lot of good. I steamed cleaned the carpets, which have never been done in 20 years. Vacuumed certain areas. Threw out a lot of stuff that she agreed too, though she freaked out.

Everything first had to be "cleared" with family they didn't want it. Funny no one wanted the stuff, it was all in her head.

[momula]

Had to stop when I saw the title of this post. You don't ask, just steal it

[LuxLiving]

LAL, did you ever get your stuff? I'm wondering if some of the stuff you are undergoing with your Mom might be culturally related as well? I was thinking that you are at least part Asian or Hawaiian?? or possibly some of each?

I'd try to keep the peace w/Mom by way of the some of the more reasonable suggestions others have listed above, but if that didn't work, I might lay future claim to my items via letting my siblings know that if the parents pass away before you that you will be reclaiming YOUR items.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Nope, didn't get any of the stuff. I told her I give up. They are certifiably insane my parents about stuff. They cannot and will not give up anything unless they are basically dead or the house burns down.

I don't know what will motivate them to clean up. Nothing. My mom keeps thinking, "Oh the housing market is the greatest." Not understanding the costs of home ownership of places you don't live in and don't need.

"I own my home outright."

[mom-from-missouri]

Ask her how old you have to be and how many kids you have to have before you are "grown".

My step son from my first marriage is "grown--30 something", but still a party boy, moves often, has had all kinds of items stolen by roommates--so I still have his yearbooks, class ring, graduation diploma, letter jacket and other items. He knows I have them but has never asked for them.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

That's funny mom! I guess I'll ask after the baby

[wincrasher]

I think from reading your posts you have alot of control issues.

Also, your folks have separation issues. Having stuff somehow ties them to people who aren't around daily. Typical horder behavior.

But you have the trump card when the baby comes. Will you use it to get what you want?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

I have control issues because I am a child of parents who do stupid. Don't have a will, no directives, 3 homes one mortgage, have leased cars, invested foolishly in stocks at age 80. Did I mention that?

Did I mention that i've called to fix my parents idiocracy about the internet, cc, etc? But I don't get any help from them or willingness to change? That perhaps it might be nice to know they have a will and death issues set aside so I don't fight with my step-siblings?

But no, it's easier to just do what they want and as my mom put it, let me deal with the crap after they die, what do they care? They'll be dead.

My parents do a lot of stupid. If it wasn't for high earning power they'd be broke. Thankfully doctors used to make a lot, and my mom still thinks they do. As she put it, how dare doctors take vacations and spend time with their families? They have no dedication.

[wincrasher]

LOL!

My mother used to say - "do what you want, even though you know it will rip my heart out."

I hate to tell you what probate will do to their estate without a proper estate plan. After the taxes, you might have nothing to fight over - perhaps who will have to pay thier final expenses.

But really, trying to change people is futile. You may get some cooperation if you can manage to make it "their" idea.