Is It Okay To Settle?

[jeffrey]

My husband is not my best friend. He doesn't complete me. In fact, he can be a self-absorbed jerk. We're nearly polar opposites: He's a lifetime member of the NRA who doesn't care for journalists, and I'm a lifelong liberal with a journalism degree. On the other hand, he doesn't beat or emotionally abuse me. He doesn't drink or chase other women. He's a good provider. So I'm sticking with him.

NPR : A Marriage That's Good Enough

[deca]

That was seriously depressing. I mean, I get her overall point, but I don't think I would feel good if my spouse had written such a column about me. I don't expect my husband to be my "soulmate". But the whole "he doesn't beat me or run around" thing seemed very damning with faint praise in my opinion.

My husband's parents are going on 50 years of marriage, and what I really notice about them is they genuinely *enjoy* each other. Not that they don't bicker or get on each other's nerves sometimes, but they really have fun together too. How could you put up with someone for 50 years without that bond? I don't think the writer's marriage sounds very joyful.

[fairy74]

That is sad, sad, sad...you will never know how much better your life could be with a "soulmate" unless you actually take the time to find one. Also I'm a little confused she talks about changing situations you don't like, but doesn't seem to even be willing to talk to her husband about what she wants/needs. Eeeks! That was one scary ode to marriage!

[LuxLiving]

I think she is being a REALIST - however, I do think she could rosy up her own outlook by seeking to highlight her husband's positive attributes and by making a bit more effort to continually add her own spice to the marriage pot.

Complacency can get ugly fast!

[Fern]

I agree with Lux, i think too many people expect perfection in every way. I guess how much each of us is willing to settle is a matter of degree, and i think if you settle too much, you're really sacificing a lot. And it sounds kind of lonely.

[jamai]

what a vote of confidence, the things she complains about are the things you'd notice first about a person; she must have known about his membership with the NRA before marrying him but she still went through with it.

[Broken Arrow]

I am a computer gamer widow, for those of you who do not know what that is, no I am not a widow but my DH lives on the computer!

Hehe. I know what that is. The funny part is, even though I spend quite a bit of time on the computer, my ex-wife was even MORE involved than I was! I didn't think such a thing was possible, but it got so bad that we each had to have our own computer. We even eventually bought ourselves a matching his & hers laptop.

Ah, but that was back in the days of naivety and frivolous spending....

[PrincessPerky]

My husband isn't perfect either...but I didn't settle, I married the man I couldn't live without..oh fine I could live, I wouldn't be all weepy like some person on some stupid TV show last night (I so didn't need to waste time seeing that) But I wouldn't want to live without him...he isn't an exact copy of me to be my soul mate, we even differ rather strongly on some points, we just don't pester each other on them, I love him regardless.

Not that he doesn't have some quirky habits I could do without, just that regardless he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with...no not every minute, in fact one of his bad habits is wanting to be with me and talk about football or hockey when I want to be alone and daydream! (or anything other than talk about football or hockey!)

Just that he knows when I change the subject I have had it...and I know when he goes back to talking about it, he really really wants to talk .

Waiting for the perfect guy isn't going to happen, but if all you do is complain, you have the wrong guy...if you are already married sorry...try therapy, you might come to better terms with the guy you have. If just dating...move out and only date, have the fun, not the hassle.

I read an article about a girl happily married who didn't live with her husband...she loved him, loved dating him, even had kids. But they just had two so different lifestyles they couldn't live together full time. (plenty of sleepovers) - this is weird to me, but hey..it is two folk interested in lifelong monogamous relationship...so what if it doesn't look like my monogamous relationship.

The author prolly is surrounded by folk as I often am, who constantly complain about their spouse...I had one conversation about a man who folded the towels all wrong! are you nuts.. hey he folds em he puts em away, whatever! So she is pointing out hers isn't perfect either...and yeah if he changed XYZ she might have perfection...but then she isn't perfect either.....so we deal..or as she says 'settle'... When I am perfect I might be able to ask for a perfect husband, and I certainly hope it will be the one I have

[PrincessPerky]

Hehe. I know what that is. The funny part is, even though I spend quite a bit of time on the computer, my ex-wife was even MORE involved than I was! I didn't think such a thing was possible, but it got so bad that we each had to have our own computer. We even eventually bought ourselves a matching his & hers laptop.

Ah, but that was back in the days of naivety and frivolous spending....

Umm, you mean some spouses share a computer? are they NUTS!

[sweeps]

Have you ever IM'ed your spouse while you were both in the same room?

[Caoineag]

Umm, you mean some spouses share a computer? are they NUTS!

Yup, we managed to do it for quite some time, only recently did my dh get a cheap used laptop from his work for his own use. Course we also had a ps2 and a gamecube during this time and we both read lots of books so we had other things to do.

And we are nuts but that's okay, we are happier that way.

As to spouses, if anything happens to my current one, I am staying single. I am far too picky to settle. I always have been, which is why I was so sure I would never end up married in the first place. Boy did I have to live that down.

DH is not a carbon copy of me, thank goodness ( I would strangle another me very quickly, I can't stand myself) but we have a lot in common with enough differences to compliment each other (i.e. I get the croutons, he gets the tomatoes). We are the couple that make other couples jealous and we have been together going on 7 years. That said, complacency is something that even we have had to work to avoid. Its soo easy to take your companion in life for granted and you just can't do that.

[PrincessPerky]

Have you ever IM'ed your spouse while you were both in the same room?

err yeah, doesn't everyone?

and I hope you all know I was kidding about the nuts part

[jasanderson]

When I met my husband I thought he was my soulmate but after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids I am starting to feel opposite of that now. We went down seperate paths and if it wasn't for the kids I would probably want to move on and find someone more in tune with me. Life happens - people change. We spent to long doing our own thing and now I am resentful of being the one who takes care of everything I can't stand to be with him most days. Unfortunately until kids are out of daycare and in school I don't think I could do it without his income. I make too much to get assitance (and i don't want it) but not enough to make it on my own as the cost of living is too much when I spend half my income on daycare. I carry benefits so which is actually good health care so it's hard to look at moving on.

[PrincessPerky]

I know what it is like to be waiting for the time to tick away before you say enough is enough. I am doing the same (I am waiting until he is done with school and employed so I dont end up paying alamony).

So does he know this? While people do not tend to change much, a small change can make a big difference...and he isn't likely to change if he doesn't know what you think.

[PrincessPerky]

Unfortunately I am as gift impaired as he is..I often make a mental note of what my husband points out as cool...I just never remember it

Don't give his brain too much credit and his kindness too little!

Anyway, I don't know either of you, just noticing a great deal of women assume men should understand because 'I dropped plenty of hint's' Or friends of mine who say 'he doesn't care so why bother' when they have never bothered..so how would they know if he cared? (I have a distinct advantage of having a very 'male' brain when it comes to relationships-I didn't know one or two things that bothered my husband..till he pointed it out...explicitly...several times)

Not that you have to put up with him, in fact right now there is no reason to allow him access to your house account....nor is there a need to finish this little 'project' of taking care of him. But you can do it for as long as you want, it is your money. Just thought I would throw my two cents in on the side of open honestly...