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Coming late to the discussion, but I noticed one thing right away and that was you kept mentioning that your total income was $210,000 a year and then in one post only, you said this:
What you need to understand and internalize is that your income is NOT $210,000. It is $140,000 which is $70,000 LESS than the number firmly fixed in your head. I know with me, the number $210,000 is close to a quarter of a million dollars, but $140,000 isn't anywhere near that. You have to remind yourself whenever you want to spend money on something and want to justify the expenses is that we make so much, we can afford this $5 coffee. No you can't afford it and no you don't really make that much money. Those expenses add up. One $5 coffee 5 days a week ends up being $1300 a year. Same thing with cigarettes. I don't know how anyone can afford to smoke considering they are just burning up dollar bills.
You and your husband NEED to have a sit down conversation and with absolute truthfulness about the money situation. Do you think he would have really bought this 'mid-life crisis' car if he had known the true extent of your finances. Same with the boat and it's upkeep. You say he has $20 spending money a week. He knows what he makes and when you didn't say 'no we can't afford it', felt like this wasn't going to even be a dent in the savings he may have figured you should have had. But the truth needs to come out. Even if you continue paying the bills, he needs to 'countersign' so to speak what you are doing with the money. Show him the actual bills and the checkbook register where you paid on the bill. Let him check things out as much as he wants, but he needs to to keep you accountable. You also should join Gamblers Anonymous to help keep you honest about your gambling.
At one point in my life I lived in a mobile home park in a doublewide home that I had bought new for $40K, I drove a car with only about $200/month payments and HALF of my income went to taxes, SS, and savings. I lived on half of what I made. I made a foolish mistake and married a man who had been less than honest about his finances. The day after we got married, I found that I was now with him, in over $20K credit card debt, his mortgage debt and car payments. I was shocked to say the least. He sold his house and paid off the bills. But insisted my three bedroom mobile home (1200 sq ft) was too small and we had to buy a bigger house for on the rare occasions his son visited, same reason for we need a bigger car. So suddenly I had a mortgage for $100K, $400+ car payments, I had had a worker's comp payout that paid the downpayment on the house, but within months pretty much all my savings were gone. Within a year and half we were in $42K worth of credit card debt, the car payments and property taxes were boosting the mortage up $25 extra every month and that happened every year so that after 4 years our payment was $100/month more than we had started with. He loved to tell people that he made $800/week (he did a 2-4 times a year) the rest of the time it was anywhere from $200-400/week and when he 'needed' or wanted something he would take cash advances against his pay check. Anyhow after 4 years I realized that he wouldn't change, I was making $1100/month in minimum payments on credit cards, the mortage was $900+, we still had the $400 car payment. Oviously we barely had money for food or utilities and gas. I brought home $900 every other week so the mortgage and the credit cards payments were more than my take home. I told him we were getting a divorce. He moved oout, we sold the house with enough profit to pay off ALL the credit cards, I'm not sure if he paid the ones in his name, my worker's comp payout ($25,000) that I had paid the down payment with, was completely gone. I started life over. And then the calls started from his creditors. I think I now haven't had one of them call in a couple of years, but we divorced in 1999. One of the first things he did was buy a motorcycle, a brand new single wide mobile home after telling me 4 years before he would never live in one again, and a 6' wide TV for $1500. All on credit. I estimate that within a month from the divorce he was in $60K worth of debt again. While he refused to change his money habits, I was left with $1000 after things were paid off and from there, I was able to start saving again and then I got hit with a medical problem and could no longer work at age 45. My current husband doesn't make much, but still with a very minimal income I have managed to save around $10K in the last 8 years or so. Some of that was $15 deposits at a time. I never wanted to be in that situation again. But this past year was a rough one financially and we had to get in the cc again. My goal is to get them paid off ASAP now that life is back to 'normal' . You can get there also.
Some people just won't change, but the point is that you CAN if you are willing to change. And that is the secret. Are you willing to do what it takes to get out of debt? Are you willing to sell your house now that the kids are out and get a smaller/cheaper one? Are you willing to bring up the possiblity for hubby to sell his car. Maybe if he saw the whole picture he might actually volunteer it. You have a lot of options that many don't have. Even on your take home income you are making so much more than the average family so you do have options. You also have to prepare yourself for a very angry husband who may want to kick you to the curb, but you have to be honest with him. You two have to work together on fixing this and it will take drastic measures to get things sorted out. He will never understand why you aren't going out to dinner or on vacations unless he knows about the debt and how drastic you need to be to cut back to have the money to pay things off.
after tax income current is 140 000 according to our year end.
You and your husband NEED to have a sit down conversation and with absolute truthfulness about the money situation. Do you think he would have really bought this 'mid-life crisis' car if he had known the true extent of your finances. Same with the boat and it's upkeep. You say he has $20 spending money a week. He knows what he makes and when you didn't say 'no we can't afford it', felt like this wasn't going to even be a dent in the savings he may have figured you should have had. But the truth needs to come out. Even if you continue paying the bills, he needs to 'countersign' so to speak what you are doing with the money. Show him the actual bills and the checkbook register where you paid on the bill. Let him check things out as much as he wants, but he needs to to keep you accountable. You also should join Gamblers Anonymous to help keep you honest about your gambling.
At one point in my life I lived in a mobile home park in a doublewide home that I had bought new for $40K, I drove a car with only about $200/month payments and HALF of my income went to taxes, SS, and savings. I lived on half of what I made. I made a foolish mistake and married a man who had been less than honest about his finances. The day after we got married, I found that I was now with him, in over $20K credit card debt, his mortgage debt and car payments. I was shocked to say the least. He sold his house and paid off the bills. But insisted my three bedroom mobile home (1200 sq ft) was too small and we had to buy a bigger house for on the rare occasions his son visited, same reason for we need a bigger car. So suddenly I had a mortgage for $100K, $400+ car payments, I had had a worker's comp payout that paid the downpayment on the house, but within months pretty much all my savings were gone. Within a year and half we were in $42K worth of credit card debt, the car payments and property taxes were boosting the mortage up $25 extra every month and that happened every year so that after 4 years our payment was $100/month more than we had started with. He loved to tell people that he made $800/week (he did a 2-4 times a year) the rest of the time it was anywhere from $200-400/week and when he 'needed' or wanted something he would take cash advances against his pay check. Anyhow after 4 years I realized that he wouldn't change, I was making $1100/month in minimum payments on credit cards, the mortage was $900+, we still had the $400 car payment. Oviously we barely had money for food or utilities and gas. I brought home $900 every other week so the mortgage and the credit cards payments were more than my take home. I told him we were getting a divorce. He moved oout, we sold the house with enough profit to pay off ALL the credit cards, I'm not sure if he paid the ones in his name, my worker's comp payout ($25,000) that I had paid the down payment with, was completely gone. I started life over. And then the calls started from his creditors. I think I now haven't had one of them call in a couple of years, but we divorced in 1999. One of the first things he did was buy a motorcycle, a brand new single wide mobile home after telling me 4 years before he would never live in one again, and a 6' wide TV for $1500. All on credit. I estimate that within a month from the divorce he was in $60K worth of debt again. While he refused to change his money habits, I was left with $1000 after things were paid off and from there, I was able to start saving again and then I got hit with a medical problem and could no longer work at age 45. My current husband doesn't make much, but still with a very minimal income I have managed to save around $10K in the last 8 years or so. Some of that was $15 deposits at a time. I never wanted to be in that situation again. But this past year was a rough one financially and we had to get in the cc again. My goal is to get them paid off ASAP now that life is back to 'normal' . You can get there also.
Some people just won't change, but the point is that you CAN if you are willing to change. And that is the secret. Are you willing to do what it takes to get out of debt? Are you willing to sell your house now that the kids are out and get a smaller/cheaper one? Are you willing to bring up the possiblity for hubby to sell his car. Maybe if he saw the whole picture he might actually volunteer it. You have a lot of options that many don't have. Even on your take home income you are making so much more than the average family so you do have options. You also have to prepare yourself for a very angry husband who may want to kick you to the curb, but you have to be honest with him. You two have to work together on fixing this and it will take drastic measures to get things sorted out. He will never understand why you aren't going out to dinner or on vacations unless he knows about the debt and how drastic you need to be to cut back to have the money to pay things off.
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